The last few days have been intense. Giant lulls then amazingly brilliant sparks of insight. Some in the middle of the night, some upon waking, some in the evening - all of them I cherish and have steadfastly recorded, learned from and am striving to move forward and grow with.
Today I went to a huge grocery store and bought a frying pan and some sushi. Sushi I just ate while I contemplated the weekend that looms. In absence of how my life was meant to have developed and become by now, every day is a tremendous struggle because I live with the intense awareness of what I was supposed to be living. Not in a fantasical mental world type thinking way - no my mind is quite aware of where I am at and why - no it is like an overlap of laughter and sharing, conversations, events, feelings, nurturing, caring, that envelops the reality of what is, like a film but with power and force. People often like to muse what would happen if A and B does not come together, they muse because everything comes together as its meant to, right? Well, the term "evil" doesn't exist for the sake of drama or horror films - there is a real evil in the world and it isn't an evil that causes catastrophes, no thats something different. Though this type of evil thrives on events like those because of so much suffering and pain involved. No real evil is cutting away from another what is the essential rightful inherent life-giving experience, so inherent that without it, it still lives and breathes alongside them irregardless, and yes with the full awareness of what, why and how that very experience, that life, is not being lived.
I've been trying for a long time to master living in the aftermath. I can't say that I'm succeeding. In truth, even though aspects of my life that would have grown and developed independently of A and B coming together are thriving, the horrendous experience as described above seems to intensify and being the sensitive that I am, every detail is never missed. I can with all my might and power deflect, transcend, ignore, smile at, balance, agree to, accept, let go of, the overlapping truth of what was suppposed to be in the place of what I'm living, while I live something else entirely, but I wake up in the morning with the same exact real pounding into the light of my moments like meat coming out of a meat grinder. It oozes in. And with the glorious cheerfulness of a puppy it awaits my interaction as though it were real. And then I and the life that is not, both come to terms that we are not in the same place - it disjointed, dejected, and I, well the same.
And I know its not me for I am still steadfastly materializing great things for others. I am dedicated, caring, and just. I am discerning, genuine and good.
But some would say, it will adjust eventually, won't it? Well here is the thing, when A and B don't come together, nor do the successive events. And when those successive events don't come together, the multitude of people and events that wait for the cue or who sense out the reality of those events and the development and the consciousness it would have had on me as an individual does not occur. Thus it is as though I do not exist.
And I tell you, if I were never to write again, it would be, my friends, as though I did not.
I will never truly understand it. The callousness enacted regularly by others while they stare in the mirror and ignore everything that makes them happy - as though they had a right.
Exercise: Plunge In - Plunge in with what is most compelling to you. [Life's Companion by
Christina Baldwin pg. 4]
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